Journal Entry: March 13th, 2016 - Ikigai

I often write on a site called  It's a journaling site where one is tasked with writing at least 750 words each day.  While I don't write every day, I write often.  I decided that I'm going to start sharing some of the entries here.  Although those are written for myself, and aren't necessarily to be shared -- I hope that you'll be able to get some valuable information out of it.  Here's what I wrote on March 14th:
There must be a focus on developing myself during the week outside of normal working hours. I want to set myself up to have no plans on the weekend. If i work hard enough during the week, i shouldn't have to spend the whole weekend doing chores and running errands. I have to find freedom for myself. To be able to do that which i want to do and not feel bad about it.
I just can't get behind doing something I'm not that interested in for 40+ hours each week. The only way to escape it is to work my ass off outside of typical employment and figure out how to benefit people in a way that's meaningful to me and that those people are willing to pay for.
I have to be comfortable in the fact that I'll never fully escape the system -- for I am a part of the system. However, I can do my best to stay as far away from the mainstream as possible.
My goals are not obvious. My reason for being is not obvious. This creates a real struggle. Even when I try to write down goals -- they're usually something that i feel like i should be doing as opposed to being the things that i actually want to do.
I want to get out of debt -- but i don't want to stop spending or get a part-time job.
I want to get fit -- but i want to eat bad food and drink alcohol.
I like the idea of discipline -- but i don't like doing things that i don't want to do.
I'm a walking contradiction.
Anyways, what i think i want and my actions are not in alignment.
But what does that mean? Supposedly, anything is capable -- but you have to want it bad enough.
I don't know what i want bad enough. I don't really want anything bad enough. Freedom -- but i'm not doing what it takes to find it. So i mustn't want it bad enough.
The ability to dictate how my day is spent. That's what it boils down to. That's my everything.
How can i make this happen? Income seems to the be the obvious biggest issue. If I had the funds, i'd have the ability. Cutting expenses has a limit -- earning money doesn't. I can only cut things so far. But the world is one of abundance. I just have to find my ikigai and go all in. Everybody has their own unique reason for being but many of us never figure out what it is.
It's our responsibility, though, to figure it out. That's what we're here for. To figure out and to fully embrace our reason for being.
Nothing else matters. When our reason for being is discovered and we live fully in alignment with that reason -- everything will then fall into place. The money will come. Relationships will improve. We become attractive.
What does it take to figure out my purpose? It starts with being able to sit and think about it. Meditate. Also, by doing a bunch of different things and exposing myself to as much as possible. I obviously don't know what my purpose is now so the more shit i'm willing to do the more likely i am to stumble upon something that i can appreciate.
Subtraction is also an integral part of the equation. What can i do less of in order to do more of the things that matter? Alcohol is something that needs to be more of a spontaneous activity than an every day occurrence. I can't be at my best under the influence. Examine trade-offs and focus on what's important. Don't get caught up in things that provide instant gratification. Instant gratification does not lead to fulfillment. It's a trap.